To the Edge and Back: A Contemplation on Suicide.

This is a really personal and raw post, so forgive me if some grammar is off. I just need to write what’s in my mind right now.

September 10th 2014 is the day I almost lost it. That is the day where I wanted to stop fighting. I’ve been going through a lot these past several months. Everything from losing a job, dropping out of school, having life-changing plans fall through, losing at everything I do or try to do. I’ve been trying to do good in this world because I think it needs it, even when I try to do good, I usually mess it up. It’s made me feel like I have a reverse Midas touch, that I am doomed to fail.

I’ve also started to become distant. I find myself being very solitary even though I have an amazing core group of friends. I just feel alone in this world. Sometimes I don’t feel human, sometimes the human race depresses me because I see how much potential they have. All the good that could be done if the petty hatred and ignorance were removed. I feel very alone on this planet of over 7 billion. Alone and lost.

I described it as treading water in the middle of the ocean. There is nothing to hold on to. There is no one to save you, you just have to fight to stay afloat, and while you do that there are sharks circling about nipping at you. After a while you just get tired. You get so tired that you can’t see yourself giving up. You start to think, why should I keep trying?

This is when your depression becomes the most dangerous. This is when you really start to lose sight of who you are. This is when all you feel is pain and torment. This is when you stop faking a smile because you don’t care anymore.

This happened to me. I had a bittersweet day that ended horribly and everything just started pouring out. Like a crack in a levy that finally gave out. Everything came flooding in. Every bad thing and experience came back to haunt me. Only this time it felt so much worse. The pain that I had pushed aside had come roaring back with a vengeance. I couldn’t stop crying. The pain was too intense. I didn’t know what to do. Usually, I just sit somewhere and be alone. I couldn’t do that this time. I didn’t trust myself.

I took to my facebook and made a cry for help. I didn’t say what was going on. I just said I needed support. My friends replied in full strength. Comments, PM’s and texts filled up my phone. Some reminded me of the person that I am. The one who cares, the one fights, the one that never gives up. It made me cry tears of joy and not pain. Even when I couldn’t believe them, because I think the worse of myself when I get that way, it was hard to deny the evidence. I was still in a lot of pain. I remember telling my friend that I just wanted to close my eyes. I just wanted the pain to end. I couldn’t see any end to the pain, no light at the end of the tunnel. Just me, lost in space, forever stumbling in the darkness.

I woke up today to even more messages. They all touched me very much. It was good to be reminded that you matter. For a long time, I felt invisible. Like people looked right past me. Like they couldn’t see me, they looked and couldn’t see me, and I just stood there pleading for someone to please just see me. It felt good to be seen again.

I still felt all the pain from earlier and I felt extremely tired. I went to brush my teeth, and I couldn’t recognize the man looking back in the mirror. His hair was roughed up like he tossed and turned all night. His beard was frizzy and wild. His eyes were so tortured and desperate. I looked closer trying to see anything that resembled me. This man’s nose was huge, his nostrils flared when he breathed, alone long wrinkle stretched across his forehead. I can tell that he had been surprised a lot. But what I didn’t see is what really surprised me. His face had such few wrinkles. Had he never smiled? Had this man never been so happy that he smiled? Surely there had to be something but there was nothing. I couldn’t look in the mirror anymore. I didn’t like what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I didn’t know that man, I didn’t like him. I wonder what happened to the person I use to see. Where did he go? I haven’t looked in the mirror since.

I’ve spent the day trying to feel better about my life. Trying to remember it could all be worse. I’m lucky to have so many people to actually care and voice their concern. If it wasn’t for them, I don’t think I would be here writing this post right now. I may feel a bit better, but I know I’m not. I know I still need help, and I am going to get it. It’s scary when you look back and think about something you almost did. It’s scary to know what you are capable of doing when you have lost all hope.

I hope that never happens to me again. If it does, I do know who I can count on. Who I can call/text at any time and have someone listen. I’m going to need them if I am going to get out of this, because I know I can’t do this without support. If I don’t have anyone to give me a little push on the back, then I know I’ll spiral out of control.

Well, that’s it for now. I just really needed to get that off my chest. I’m sorry if this wasn’t about some adventure that I went on. I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a long while. I hope to post in the near future about exploring and adventuring again soon. Thank you.

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