To the Next Unknown!

I feel tired. I slept somewhat good, and yet I’m still tired. The insomnia isn’t getting better. If anything it’s way out of balance. Days go by and I can barely get in a couple of hours and then I’ll have a day where I can’t stay awake as my body desperately tries to catch up on some much needed rest. It’s safe to say that despite everything my head feels like a mess. An all too common state for me. So common I actually feel weird without it. It’s practically the norm, and that’s what scares me.

If you’ve been a follower you know that I have had bouts of depression before, as well as thoughts of suicide. I can safely say I don’t feel suicidal now. A slip near the ledge of a mountain trail the other day, confirmed how much I really do want to live. Still with this resurgence of depression, I know it can only be a matter of time before the darkness totally takes a hold of me. Which is why I’m doing this now, well maybe not so much the blogging. Actually that’s not true. I find blogging very therapeutic. There is just something so liberating with sharing your world with total strangers470336_3663690064846_1134808599_o

Anyways, back on topic. I guess this is me announcing that I’m going to be starting anti depressants, or at least I hope I will be. I’m currently getting ready to see my doctor, and we’ll go through everything. I’ll tell my doctor that exercising is not working. I’m loosing weight, which is nice, but I don’t feel better afterwards anymore. I started reading more, but I find myself loosing interest no matter the genre, and I don’t finish the book. Socializing has been difficult, to say the least. I don’t really make plans. I just text a bunch of my friends to see who is free to do something, and that doesn’t always work. I don’t blame them if there busy doing something else. They have lives after all, it’s just hard for me to  make plans because I never know how bad it’s going to be on certain days. The good thing is more often that not, I still have the will to get up and do something. Even if I have to do it by myself I still go out for a walk, or grab a bite to eat, or even a pint.170759_1862045229793_621927_o

I don’t even feel bad doing stuff by myself. I’ve been very independent throughout my life. I’m actually quite use to doing things by myself. So that doesn’t bother me at all. Just sometimes I wish I had another human to talk to, just so I don’t have to think about the things in my head. It’s kind of strange how things change. I’ve been very content at being alone, I travel by myself. I use to prefer it that way. Just me and nature. Discovering each other. Being pushed to my edge and coming back home victorious from a desert or a mountain. It was great, but now it’s not the same. Now I feel the solitude. The defining quiet when you are in the middle of nowhere and you can hear your own heartbeat. It’s maddening. Now I’m eager to have a companion come along with me. So much so if someone can’t come, I now delay the trip, just so I won’t be alone. I know that brings comfort to my family and friends, but I don’t like it. I miss being comfortable in my own solitude.

So wish me luck, as I start a new adventure.IMG_20160418_083541 I have no idea what is going to happen once
I change my brain chemistry. I don’t know if I’ll even change or not. Everyone reacts different, and it’s a little scary when you think about it. I’m stepping into a new unknown. A trail that has never been treaded on. A trail that I can only hope will take me to a better place. I guess it is a lot like exploring. You set your sights for the horizon, and you not only hope to see something new and beautiful, but you also hope it’s better than where you are currently at. So don’t fret for me, instead let’s raise a glass to new horizons.

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Not Where I Wanted, But Where I Needed To Be.

Here I am sitting in Anchorage again. This is the second time in three months that I’ve been here. Far away from almost everyone I know, and alone in the beautiful cold. It’s been surreal here. I think Anchorage is the only city I’ve been to where I constantly see strangers with familiar faces. I keep seeing the same people every time I’m here. Only problem is they are not the ones I’m looking for.

I came out here on nothing more than a whim. I spent my summer here in Alaska and I fell in love with the state. I wanted to stay. I didn’t want to return home, especially after my last week here in September. You would think that I should know by now that I should always expect the unexpected, and that nothing ever goes to plan, but I digress, I came here chasing a dream. In my search for the dream I left behind I found nothing I was looking for. Then something unexpected happen, no not the dream I was chasing, but another form of an echo of the past.

As I sat in a bus station in the cold night waiting for a warm bus to take me back to the room I was staying at, a middle aged homeless native came and sat by me. He was friendly and his face was inviting, I welcomed his company and we began to engage in a conversation. The faint smell of booze came from him, but I didn’t mind, it was bourbon, a favorite of mine, so I welcomed the smell. Then something unexpected happened, he told me he was dying from cancer. I told him I was sorry to hear about that, and he quickly told me not to be. He then told me that two years ago he lost his daughter to suicide, and this past year he lost his son to suicide as well.

My heart sank as I heard him tell me this. You can see the pain in his eyes as he spoke. As a person who has lived with depression and have battled suicide as well, I felt like it was all too familiar. He told me without his kids in his life, he didn’t feel the need to keep on living. That burying your children is the worst thing a parent will ever have to do. As he went on, all I could think of was my parents, my family and my friends, all that helped me out of my last bout. I remember that at the time, when I thought I couldn’t take any more pain, the only thing that stopped me, was knowing I would be transferring that pain onto them. That was something I was not willing to do.

Soon my bus arrived and I said goodbye and that it was a pleasure to meet him. I walked out and as I waited in line for the bus, I knew I couldn’t leave. Not yet, not without saying something. I ran back to the door of the station opened it up and said. “A year ago, I almost took my own life as well, but I didn’t, because I didn’t want to hurt anyone. So now I live for people like you.” A big smile cam on his face and he said “Bless you”. A gave him a nod and I left, just making my bus before the doors closed. As I took my seat I looked back at him and saw him sitting there. Still smiling from ear to ear. I was happy for this unexpected encounter. I don’t know if my words helped him, as much as his words helped me. Perhaps we both gained something we needed in that moment.  I haven’t been depressed in over a year now, but the memory still lingers. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it, not one line. I’ll always remember so that I know that I can survive it.

To the Edge and Back: A Contemplation on Suicide.

This is a really personal and raw post, so forgive me if some grammar is off. I just need to write what’s in my mind right now.

September 10th 2014 is the day I almost lost it. That is the day where I wanted to stop fighting. I’ve been going through a lot these past several months. Everything from losing a job, dropping out of school, having life-changing plans fall through, losing at everything I do or try to do. I’ve been trying to do good in this world because I think it needs it, even when I try to do good, I usually mess it up. It’s made me feel like I have a reverse Midas touch, that I am doomed to fail.

I’ve also started to become distant. I find myself being very solitary even though I have an amazing core group of friends. I just feel alone in this world. Sometimes I don’t feel human, sometimes the human race depresses me because I see how much potential they have. All the good that could be done if the petty hatred and ignorance were removed. I feel very alone on this planet of over 7 billion. Alone and lost.

I described it as treading water in the middle of the ocean. There is nothing to hold on to. There is no one to save you, you just have to fight to stay afloat, and while you do that there are sharks circling about nipping at you. After a while you just get tired. You get so tired that you can’t see yourself giving up. You start to think, why should I keep trying?

This is when your depression becomes the most dangerous. This is when you really start to lose sight of who you are. This is when all you feel is pain and torment. This is when you stop faking a smile because you don’t care anymore.

This happened to me. I had a bittersweet day that ended horribly and everything just started pouring out. Like a crack in a levy that finally gave out. Everything came flooding in. Every bad thing and experience came back to haunt me. Only this time it felt so much worse. The pain that I had pushed aside had come roaring back with a vengeance. I couldn’t stop crying. The pain was too intense. I didn’t know what to do. Usually, I just sit somewhere and be alone. I couldn’t do that this time. I didn’t trust myself.

I took to my facebook and made a cry for help. I didn’t say what was going on. I just said I needed support. My friends replied in full strength. Comments, PM’s and texts filled up my phone. Some reminded me of the person that I am. The one who cares, the one fights, the one that never gives up. It made me cry tears of joy and not pain. Even when I couldn’t believe them, because I think the worse of myself when I get that way, it was hard to deny the evidence. I was still in a lot of pain. I remember telling my friend that I just wanted to close my eyes. I just wanted the pain to end. I couldn’t see any end to the pain, no light at the end of the tunnel. Just me, lost in space, forever stumbling in the darkness.

I woke up today to even more messages. They all touched me very much. It was good to be reminded that you matter. For a long time, I felt invisible. Like people looked right past me. Like they couldn’t see me, they looked and couldn’t see me, and I just stood there pleading for someone to please just see me. It felt good to be seen again.

I still felt all the pain from earlier and I felt extremely tired. I went to brush my teeth, and I couldn’t recognize the man looking back in the mirror. His hair was roughed up like he tossed and turned all night. His beard was frizzy and wild. His eyes were so tortured and desperate. I looked closer trying to see anything that resembled me. This man’s nose was huge, his nostrils flared when he breathed, alone long wrinkle stretched across his forehead. I can tell that he had been surprised a lot. But what I didn’t see is what really surprised me. His face had such few wrinkles. Had he never smiled? Had this man never been so happy that he smiled? Surely there had to be something but there was nothing. I couldn’t look in the mirror anymore. I didn’t like what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I didn’t know that man, I didn’t like him. I wonder what happened to the person I use to see. Where did he go? I haven’t looked in the mirror since.

I’ve spent the day trying to feel better about my life. Trying to remember it could all be worse. I’m lucky to have so many people to actually care and voice their concern. If it wasn’t for them, I don’t think I would be here writing this post right now. I may feel a bit better, but I know I’m not. I know I still need help, and I am going to get it. It’s scary when you look back and think about something you almost did. It’s scary to know what you are capable of doing when you have lost all hope.

I hope that never happens to me again. If it does, I do know who I can count on. Who I can call/text at any time and have someone listen. I’m going to need them if I am going to get out of this, because I know I can’t do this without support. If I don’t have anyone to give me a little push on the back, then I know I’ll spiral out of control.

Well, that’s it for now. I just really needed to get that off my chest. I’m sorry if this wasn’t about some adventure that I went on. I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a long while. I hope to post in the near future about exploring and adventuring again soon. Thank you.

Positive Feedback

Today has been great! Earlier this week I sent out some feelers for getting a job on a salmon fishing boat, and tonight I received positive feedback. I got some emails from some possible job opportunities. This really made me feel great, to hear possibilities already, granted nothing is set in stone, and in fact i wasn’t offered a job yet. Still, none the less I heard back from some people in the industry and they gave me some advice on me being a crew member. I must admit, being eager and able to cook might be paying off, as I might be getting the chance to speak/write with a captain.

I know that this isn’t a sure thing, and only time will tell if this will really pay off. They have plenty of time before the season starts and nothing is ever set in stone. Yet, 977468_4513881218960_1893298052_oI am happy in the fact that I received some responses already. My Alaska plan is looking better and better as time goes by. I’m feeling really good about this, as it might just work out after all. I know landing a job is one thing, and actually making money from the run, is another. I can only hope the salmon are plenty, and we are able to catch a lot of fish. My adventure really counts on the salmon run to go well. I’m still keeping my fingers crossed and wishing on a star, and doing my best to save money. I don’t want this to be a bust, but i realize it isn’t what I want that is going to change anything. I need to make it happen, or else it never will. 

It is strange coming home to such exciting news, after having a great night with some of 970014_491997457545065_543805121_nmy best friends. Knowing that i’m going to miss going to a local watering hole, and sharing some stories and tots with them. It is also going to be different being so far from home, and being alone. It’s hard thinking about it, but at the same time i am equally excited for my adventure. I long for the days of traveling through mountains and wondering through the woods. I am eager to see new faces and make   new stories. My family and friends will always be in my heart, but my heart longs for the open road.